Sunday, March 15, 2015

Life Post: I Drove for Hours Today. Wow.

It's much later than I usually blog, but I really wanted to write something really brief about the day I had today. There's not really much to write down, so this won't be long. (Plus, I'm exhausted and hate the idea of writing something really long.)

Anyway, today I drove all the way back to school completely by myself. That's a huge accomplishment for me. If you haven't picked this up from past posts, I didn't get my license until this January (at twenty-one) even though I took driver's ed back when I was fifteen. I've had so much anxiety and panic attacks surrounding driving that for a while I wasn't even trying to get my license, but as soon as I started college in Indy, I knew I'd have to at some point. It still took years.

So the fact that I drove for more than three hours completely by myself today and the biggest screw up I had was not figuring out how to work the gas pump the first time I tried, is a huge deal. I honestly didn't think I'd ever be able to do that.

You'd think I'd be riding some sort of high right now, but I'm honestly not. I'm exhausted, and I still absolutely hate driving. It may not make me as anxious as it has in the past, but it's still significantly more stressful for me than it is for most people. I feel like sleeping for years now, and the fact that I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow because of my practicum is only making me feel more stressed. I'd probably feel a bit like this just because of classes starting back, but this is my first real day at the practicum (I had a meeting with the teacher, but it was just a meeting.), so I'm, of course, way more anxious about it than I should be.

I'm like a giant ball of nerves right now, and I could avoid it while driving because I was focused on driving, but since getting to school, it's been driving me insane. I'm definitely not helping myself by writing about it because it's getting worse as I type. Case in point: this is already way longer than I had planned because now I can't stop.

I know tomorrow will go just fine. I have a good idea what to expect after the meeting. I know everything will be fine. But there's still a part of my brain that refuses to believe that, and it's driving me insane. It's only exacerbated by all the driving I did today and just the thought that classes and work and all of that starts again tomorrow too. My head is not a fun place to be right now.

Come tomorrow at this time I should be fine though. That's what I keep trying to remind myself. It's my best attempt at trying not to kill my future self due to a heart attack. It's a real thing that worries me sometimes.

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