Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Life Post: Yeah, I Cried in Class, but It's in the Past Now

It's been five days since my last one of these, and the biggest bit of news that I have to share is that I cried so hard in class today that I had to leave for a bit to put myself back together. Yep. Do I have a good explanation for how exactly that happened? Not really. As I shockingly managed to get out to my professor, I'm not entirely sure why I was crying. There's more to the story than that obviously. The professor was talking to me in front of the class, and my social anxiety doesn't let me deal with that sort of attention very well. So that went into it. Still, the fact that I was full on sobbing isn't normal for me. The last time I cried in class was high school at the height of my anxiety over deciding what to do about college. (My teacher asked which school I was going to, and I burst into tears because I had no idea.) Since then, I've never done something like this, and I can't really tell you why today of all days it happened. But it did, and it was embarrassing.

Luckily, everyone acted pretty great after it happened. People said really nice things and made me feel a million times better about it. I'm significantly less self-conscious about it having happened than I would have thought I would be. So that's good, I guess? Is not being more embarrassed about it proof that my social anxiety has kind of improved, or is having cried at all a sign that it's just as bad as always? I don't know. The best answer I have is that it's complicated. Like always.

I'm wrapping that up now and pushing it away. The experience happened; I've written about it. Now it's over. No use focusing on it. For once in my life, I feel genuine saying that. I really don't think I need to obsess over what happened anymore, and I think I can walk away from this post without thinking about it anymore. It's so rare for me to say that, and of course, maybe it'll come back during another anxious moment. For now though, I really am pushing it aside. Having dealt with it might have actually made me feel better in the end, as strange as that sounds. In the moment, it was horrible, but moving past it is making me more confident. Looking at it like that helps, I think. So I guess I should be thankful.

I still would have chosen not crying in class at all, but the least I can do is gain something from the experience.

Anyway, I wrote a letter to the spell "accio" over on my writing blog, and over on Youtube I've posted my wrap-up and TBR for the month. I'm hoping to get better about posting videos this month, but so far, it isn't really happening. We'll see.

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